The Cost of Fostering & Adoption ... (Part 2)

Okay, Part 2.  In Part 1 I focused on the actual dollar amounts of international and private domestic adoption and how these were so limiting to us that they led us to adoption through foster parenting.  In Part 2 I'll let you in on a secret.  Little did we know, the 'cost' of this path would be our hearts breaking for people that we so badly wanted to know the changing love of Jesus.  On our path we learned some other things about fostering. I hope it helps you ...

If you go into your local foster system with the intent of only adoption and not fostering first, you could be in for a long wait.  All children in foster care have been affected by an unfortunate situation.  Some more so than others.  But with the love of a stable home, a knowledgable, professional team and the guiding hand of God, you will be surprised how a child (and you as a parent) will succeed through those situations.

Yes, there are children all across the U.S that are available for adoption and in need of a home right now.  AdoptUSKids is a great place to start especially if you have a home study completed.  Many of these children have special needs or have requests that they will remain the youngest child in the family.  Since our family already had a child with special needs that whatever his age would always be 'the youngest' in cognitive age and in physical need we didn't think the children on this site would be best placed with our family. 

So into the foster parent world we jumped ... or at least waded into the baby pool of foster parenting:  Respite Care.  It's kindof like overnight babysitting for other foster parents. Occasionally foster families need to do things out of their state; funerals or weddings, that their foster children don't have permission to attend.  Leaving their home state can sometimes be tricky and need a judge's approval.  To please everyone another foster family can care for the child during this period.  It's usually just a few days or a weekend.  This is actually my advice as a great place to start for anyone with biological children.  If you aren't sure what child or sibling group would be best for your family respite care gives you a way to have children spend time with your family.  It really helped us narrow down an age group that was the right fit for our family.  This also gave us opportunities with our children and extended family and friends to open up the foster family dialogue.  With our children those talks could get really personal.  With the others it was a chance to let everyone know we were serious.  Yes, this was actually happening.

Now let me speak to the women, the wives, the mom's out there.  Ladies, God gave us husbands for oodles of reasons.  Yes, sometimes they think they are "God's gift to women", but when it comes to being a foster parent, let your husband be the brakes.  Once you are an official foster parent the phone will start ringing immediately.  It will not stop ringing with available children.  There is a desperate need for good foster homes.  Our mothering hearts will break for every single child that needs a mother and a good, safe home.  Mine did and still does.  Every day.  If I did not tell the social worker I had to first check with my husband I would have said yes to every one of them and I would have at least ten children in my home right now.  Ugh.  Keep in mind, the child will have weekly meetings with their biological family that you will have to take them to and possibly stay with them during those meetings, also courts dates, meetings with lawyers and social workers, appointments with therapists and doctors and this is in addition to their typical childhood stuff that you will want to give them like school and church activities, and a semi-normal family life at the same time.  My husband knew when a child was not a good fit for our family.  He listened with his head, not his heart.  Rely on the wisdom God is giving him however much it hurts to say no.

The other difficult piece of fostering is this:  The first goal is almost always for the child to be reunited with the biological parents or a kinship placement, such as a grandparent.  I can almost hear your thoughts from here.  "Whaat?!  No one told us this!"  You're thinking that brings your adoption chances waaaay down, doesn't it?  No.  That brings your reliance on God's plan waaaay up.  This is not always the end result.  You just have to look at our family to know the first plan isn't always the last plan.  But remember, you are not entering the foster parent world for your benefit.  You will be involved with a team of people that is trying to do what is best for the child.  I cannot count the number of times I have been asked "What if you have to send a child back to an unhealthy situation?".  No, it's not easy.  You may only have a moment in a child's life to give the love to them that Jesus freely gives to everyone.  And I will tell you even as an Emergency Placement Foster Parent, sending a child to another perfectly wonderful foster family is also one of the most difficult things.  

Foster parenting is not easy.  It's not without tears.  It will cost you a huge piece of your heart.  But I think we all know, the things that are worth the most in life usually cost the most.

Bible Verse I'm Loving Today:
Matthew 5:14-16
Song I'm Loving Today:

If you have a little more time watch this extended version that explains the story behind the "Do Something" song.  Really makes you want to go 'do something'...

The Cost of Fostering & Adoption ... (Part 1)

Lately, I've been getting more and more questions about our experience as foster and adoptive parents.  Some are searching for God's plan for their own family in foster parenting and adoption.  Some are just wanting to get involved in supporting others.  So I thought I would lay out some of the questions I've fielded and the answers as I can best give them.  Part Two of this blog post will be the bigger, more detailed part of our journey.  But I thought I would let you in on where we started ...  

I thought I would start at the beginning of our adoption quest.  Or maybe I should call it something better, like God's Great Master Plan.  Whatever you want to call it ... my husband and I knew before we were ever married that adoption was something we wanted to be a part of our family.  Back in the day we had the high hopes of adopting from China. So when God began laying the adoption foundation that's where I started the search.  Our Chinese adoption hopes were quickly crushed when I first came across the cost of international adoption.  This can run an average of $30,000.  But some agencies will quote as high as $45,000.  The child's birth country is a big factor is this cost.  As are the travel expenses.  The second crushing blow came by way of the time that can be involved spent in the adopting country.  Some adoptive parents are there for a month at a time waiting on the courts.  This can go on for several years.  Some people save and prepare their entire lives for this moment.  We had not done either.  And if you know anything about our family, this time involvement was a real deal breaker. (As if the cost wasn't enough already!)  We knew this was not God's plan for us.  If you are interested in foreign adoption and are well prepared for this road, the Show Hope organization is a great resource.  They will help with direction, fundraising and grant assistance, just to name a few things.

Next, I looked at private domestic adoption.  Once again, this was just too cost prohibitive for our family.  Many agencies will tell you their fees upfront.  They average in the $10,000 range.  But you will need your own adoption lawyer and those fees are additional.  The hope of being 'chosen' can be a roller coaster ride. (But most adoption stories are emotional rides!)  Sometimes the birth mother will require the adoptive parents also pay her lawyer fees and/or medical fees as well.  You can see where I'm headed with this in your mental calculator.  Cost prohibitive.  If this is an option for you, The Missouri Baptist Children's Home and Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Missouri are excellent options.  If you are in need of a private adoption lawyer, I would be glad to send you to the practice who gave us excellent advice in Missouri.

When these were ruled out we were led to adoption through our state's foster system.  Admittedly, this scared the jeebers outa us.   But we knew financially this would be much more doable.  What we didn't know ... it would 'cost' us much more of our hearts than we ever expected.    But that's always how God does things, isn't it?  The music group Switchfoot says in one of my favorite songs, "Why ya' fearin' watcha' believin'?... Love alone is worth the fight." (Feel free to have a little chuckle at me singing along with that with my opera-style trained voice.)

Part Two in 'The Cost of Fostering & Adoption' will focus on our family's adventure into our state's foster system.  Little did we know, it was obviously a plan God had for us all along.  I'll fill you in on a few of the details of the system and the things that worked best for our family.  I hope they will help you on your way to finding your path to orphan care or support... 

Bible Verse I'm Loving Today:
1 Peter 5: 6-7

Song I'm Loving Today:

Love Alone Is Worth The Fight by Switchfoot

Stephanie McKeever: Tweet

"They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love"... Will they?

One of the things I am becoming more and more passionate about is the children that are cared for in our foster system.  We were foster parents and were able to adopt after fostering.  Because of this we are reminded every day that there are children out there that need to see the love of Jesus in a tangible way.  Not just by hearing about him, they need to see his love in action.  We have an opportunity to share the love of Christ in a bleak, often loveless place.  So I am trying to go about this by asking others to join me in bringing them a few of the things they may need.  

Foster parents get paid for this, right?

Um, how many people do you know that are gettin' rich off of being foster parents?  If they were there would be a line of people out the Family Services door just waiting to sign up.  But there isn't.  They can't get nearly enough people to do that job because that minimal reimbursement is gone before the check clears the bank.

If I give something I want to include a Christian oriented item:

I really try to explain that the foster care system is a government program that is run by our state.  If we were allowed to include our religious beliefs then every religion would be allowed to hand out theirs.  Muslim, Hindu, Wicca, Atheist, you get my point.  We had to have our child's social worker's permission to take him to church.  Some are required to get a judge's permission.  While fostering we could not leave him alone in Sunday School because he would be cared for by people that were not state inspected by the foster system.  (This differs with every child's circumstances.)  While most social workers know that a church-going family is the most stable family, it is still not our place to make that call. 

In my foster circuit approximately 95% of the kids are brought into care due to meth (Methamphetamine) exposure.  The meth makers think they are getting smart by keeping their 2-liter bottles and ingredients under the baby beds or in their children's rooms.  Read it again, I'll wait ... Under their baby's beds!  These foster children aren't just exposed to the meth that comes in on Dad's clothes because he's cooking it in the back barn.  Mom and Dad are cooking it in the kid's bedrooms now.  When kids are exposed to meth in their homes and the state intervenes, the children aren't allowed to take ANYTHING with them, no clothes, extra shoes, toys, security blankets, binkies, nothing.  (They probably didn't have much to begin with anyway, but still.)  Meth can be so toxic, in extreme situations even the clothes they are wearing is replaced and they are given different (often used) clothing to wear.  Can we all agree this is going to be traumatic?  Why not give what we can to these children?  And when they ask where it came from?  My hope is that word will trickle down to them that there is a group of Christians in their community that love them.  (And honestly, I have a few non-Christian friends that are really loving these kids quite a lot too).  

We have no shortage of interest into our child's life and all the juicy details of his past.  Yet we are often asked, "Why are you doing this?",  "Why do you want to give to people who don't care about you, who you don't know, who you will never see?",  "Why would you want to give to the kids of meth-heads, heroin addicts, child abusers?",  "Why would you want to be a foster parent to these kids?"

Because Jesus freely gave to me 
when I was yet a sinner.  

And he continues to do so everyday.

Because Jesus has told us all to care for the widows and orphans.

I know that not everyone has been called to be a foster parent or an adoptive parent.  But I do believe that we have all been told by Jesus that we should be caring for the orphans, and not just the hungry ones half way across the world in Africa.  They are right here, in our towns, in our neighborhoods, and sometimes across our street.  

I am praying that the foster system and the children in it will know that we are Christians by our love. 

Bible Verse I'm Loving Today:
James 1:27
Song I'm Loving Today:

Multiplied by NeedToBreathe